I am writing this at 23:19pm.
I suppose because I haven't written in a while, I should do a brief catch up as to why this is.
Since I have met Blake things have been going up, I have my down days still but things are bright. I was told tonight that I have officially become a peer leader/volunteer now for a charity which has helped me so much in my life, and I have been happy since I was told.
The worst thing which has happened which shocked me to my core was my mother and father were having a conversation I wasn't meant to hear, and he told her how he'd had another mini heart attack, caused by stress from my sister. I wasn't pleased to hear this and spent the rest of the evening cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, because I couldn't face them not telling me again.
Unfortunately, a friend of mine has been going through a troublesome time from mourning over a lost friend, and it's brought to my attention how I still feel over the death of my grandmother. It has given me a down point but I luckily I have the girl I count as my sister to talk to and distract me, I just wish he had something too.
Sometimes I wonder where I am truly going with my life, but I suppose I know I will work it out one day. Life rolls on and you have to roll with it.
I have finished writing this at 23:24pm.
Thank you,
Kirstie
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Conflicted Feelings
I am writing this at 23:20pm.
I suppose the easiest way to start this is to come out and say what is wrong with me... Tonight I overheard my mother and father talking in the living room when I was in the kitchen preparing things for cleaning the bathroom, and part of their conversation was going through a dilemma we had the previous evening with my sister.
She had thought her daughter had dropped one of her toys somewhere on the path on the walk home and asked my father to go out and look, and to cut THAT story short, it turns out it was found in the bin at her home and my father had had to go out twice and his hand had gone numb from the cold and poor circulation.
That unfortunately wasn't the only thing wrong with him; he has had a condition with his heart for a long while now which was brought on from a very small heart attack some months back which I had to probe my mother for information on, because they know I don't like it when information is hidden from me. My father now takes his medication when he needs it, as it helps to bring down his blood pressure and calm him. It turns out from the conversation I overheard, he had another of these "warning attacks" last night.
Even as I write this I'm not sure if I should cry or not, because I know they are doing this so I don't worry too much, but at the same time I want to, AND need to know that my own father is OK, because if he isn't then unfortunately I have to plan for in case the worst happens such as finding extra support for myself and my mother, finding some form of benefits so we can afford to live in this house and live in general, and a lot of other stuff such as if I will be able to continue my education, how will I afford transport to and from Runcorn to do major shopping runs, how will my mother cope and will we both need some form of counselling... it's not nice stuff I wish to think on, and right now I am scared I may lose my father.
He said to my mother tonight whilst I was in the kitchen that he thought it was because of how stressed he became around my sister, and the stress got too much; it makes me wonder what else they're hiding from me.
The reason this is entitled conflicted feelings is because I am also excited for going to Chester tomorrow to meet Blake, and start our wonderful day. We have a lot planned, and I will be shocked if we can fit it all in one day, but I am excited to meet the man I have new-found feelings for.
He treats me like a Goddess already, and with what we have planned, is already treating me to a lot which I will feel grateful for in some way, but also I will feel so cheeky that things are being paid for me, I suppose I'm just not used to it. It has been a long while since someone has done things like this for me, or should I say in this case will do.
So on top of being excited, I am also upset/worried/nervous, whatever you wish to call it really. It's taking me longer than I thought to get this all down, but I am talking to my friend about this situation now with my father, and I'm starting to cry a little now. I suppose it's what I need, but it hurts.
I have stopped writing this at 23:44pm.
Thanks for reading,
Kirstie
I suppose the easiest way to start this is to come out and say what is wrong with me... Tonight I overheard my mother and father talking in the living room when I was in the kitchen preparing things for cleaning the bathroom, and part of their conversation was going through a dilemma we had the previous evening with my sister.
She had thought her daughter had dropped one of her toys somewhere on the path on the walk home and asked my father to go out and look, and to cut THAT story short, it turns out it was found in the bin at her home and my father had had to go out twice and his hand had gone numb from the cold and poor circulation.
That unfortunately wasn't the only thing wrong with him; he has had a condition with his heart for a long while now which was brought on from a very small heart attack some months back which I had to probe my mother for information on, because they know I don't like it when information is hidden from me. My father now takes his medication when he needs it, as it helps to bring down his blood pressure and calm him. It turns out from the conversation I overheard, he had another of these "warning attacks" last night.
Even as I write this I'm not sure if I should cry or not, because I know they are doing this so I don't worry too much, but at the same time I want to, AND need to know that my own father is OK, because if he isn't then unfortunately I have to plan for in case the worst happens such as finding extra support for myself and my mother, finding some form of benefits so we can afford to live in this house and live in general, and a lot of other stuff such as if I will be able to continue my education, how will I afford transport to and from Runcorn to do major shopping runs, how will my mother cope and will we both need some form of counselling... it's not nice stuff I wish to think on, and right now I am scared I may lose my father.
He said to my mother tonight whilst I was in the kitchen that he thought it was because of how stressed he became around my sister, and the stress got too much; it makes me wonder what else they're hiding from me.
The reason this is entitled conflicted feelings is because I am also excited for going to Chester tomorrow to meet Blake, and start our wonderful day. We have a lot planned, and I will be shocked if we can fit it all in one day, but I am excited to meet the man I have new-found feelings for.
He treats me like a Goddess already, and with what we have planned, is already treating me to a lot which I will feel grateful for in some way, but also I will feel so cheeky that things are being paid for me, I suppose I'm just not used to it. It has been a long while since someone has done things like this for me, or should I say in this case will do.
So on top of being excited, I am also upset/worried/nervous, whatever you wish to call it really. It's taking me longer than I thought to get this all down, but I am talking to my friend about this situation now with my father, and I'm starting to cry a little now. I suppose it's what I need, but it hurts.
I have stopped writing this at 23:44pm.
Thanks for reading,
Kirstie
Friday, 2 November 2012
New Month, Fantastic Start
I am writing this at 23:46pm.
I can safely say this month has started off well, and shows promise towards a new outlook on life. As some of my friends know, I had joined a dating site towards the very end of October. It was a random spur of the moment thing, and I was curious, and hey, I'll admit at first it was for a laugh to see if there was anyone on there that I knew.
I changed my mind not long after when I met a wonderful, and truly amazing guy named Blake; he made me feel like a goddess, making me smile and giggle and blush without having to be near me. I have spoken about him to a few people, and they all claim he is better than my ex, already planning things with me and the like, and I will admit, I feel strongly towards Blake already even though we haven't met yet, and I never felt this way with Nick and I was with him all the time in college.
I suppose curiosity on what Blake is really like increases the emotion, but at the same time even when I first met Nick my heart never raced like this, I never giggled so much just off reading a conversation, and I never blushed this often.
I can safely say thanks to Blake, I feel good; he makes me happy, from the moment we're both online till the moment one of us leaves, we are constantly talking, never run out of things to say, and we keep making one another smile like the sun beams down on only us.
My friend Imogen has been there for me a lot too, as has my friend Sammy who I class as my sister. They have given me positive outlooks on life, and life itself is picking up for me. I used to say to my friends that life would throw shit at you to see if you could handle it, natural selection, survival of the fittest, whatever you wish to call it. I told them that if you survived, life would reward you.
My hardest trial yet has been dealing with how to finally tell someone about what I've done, see myself getting stretched to that far edge and falling, and being able to openly discuss it and find a solution and bring myself back up to the top. Life challenged me with a fear everyone has... Death... And I proved to life I was strong enough to fight back and change my life for the better, to bring myself back from the brink and back into a saner world. I could think of many more things to say to this which would be along similar lines, but I am not here for that.
Life still gives me the few up and downs, but those are normal. Since Blake has entered my life, everything seems to be going up that hill, taking me to see an amazing and beautiful sight, and I can't wait to let my eyes behold the next reward from a challenge.
I suppose right now, I could give some advice. I have never thought of doing this because I thought someone would come to me and give me advice of their own, but after going through such a dark time, I can safely say people may need my help instead, considering I have been over the edge and managed to get back up.
This is my advice; if you feel life is giving you constant shit and wont back off from it's relentless assault, and you truly feel the need to die, it may be hard to do but look around you. Think of looking your family in the eye and saying "I have attempted suicide tonight." It isn't pretty, it's frightening and will put you off telling them, but if you can challenge yourself to tell someone that life has driven you to that point, there can only be help around the corner. If you tell your family, the closest people that will ever be in your life no matter how you are treated by them, then you can admit you need help.
I did, I admitted I needed help, unfortunately I'm not getting help for another week or so but that first step I took, telling my mother, was the one step I will never forget because it was the hardest and most difficult one. Instead of running from the challenge, I rose to it and I am now on a grand road to recovery.
To sum up my advice a little shorter, if life is making you want to die and you physically try it, think. If you think long and hard enough, you will realize whatever you have attempted death over, probably would never be worth it no matter how much it seems right. So just think, and think so hard about what you are leaving, who will be hurt. You will regret it, and miss out on a great reward on the other side of the dark place.
I have finish writing this at 00:04am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x
I can safely say this month has started off well, and shows promise towards a new outlook on life. As some of my friends know, I had joined a dating site towards the very end of October. It was a random spur of the moment thing, and I was curious, and hey, I'll admit at first it was for a laugh to see if there was anyone on there that I knew.
I changed my mind not long after when I met a wonderful, and truly amazing guy named Blake; he made me feel like a goddess, making me smile and giggle and blush without having to be near me. I have spoken about him to a few people, and they all claim he is better than my ex, already planning things with me and the like, and I will admit, I feel strongly towards Blake already even though we haven't met yet, and I never felt this way with Nick and I was with him all the time in college.
I suppose curiosity on what Blake is really like increases the emotion, but at the same time even when I first met Nick my heart never raced like this, I never giggled so much just off reading a conversation, and I never blushed this often.
I can safely say thanks to Blake, I feel good; he makes me happy, from the moment we're both online till the moment one of us leaves, we are constantly talking, never run out of things to say, and we keep making one another smile like the sun beams down on only us.
My friend Imogen has been there for me a lot too, as has my friend Sammy who I class as my sister. They have given me positive outlooks on life, and life itself is picking up for me. I used to say to my friends that life would throw shit at you to see if you could handle it, natural selection, survival of the fittest, whatever you wish to call it. I told them that if you survived, life would reward you.
My hardest trial yet has been dealing with how to finally tell someone about what I've done, see myself getting stretched to that far edge and falling, and being able to openly discuss it and find a solution and bring myself back up to the top. Life challenged me with a fear everyone has... Death... And I proved to life I was strong enough to fight back and change my life for the better, to bring myself back from the brink and back into a saner world. I could think of many more things to say to this which would be along similar lines, but I am not here for that.
Life still gives me the few up and downs, but those are normal. Since Blake has entered my life, everything seems to be going up that hill, taking me to see an amazing and beautiful sight, and I can't wait to let my eyes behold the next reward from a challenge.
I suppose right now, I could give some advice. I have never thought of doing this because I thought someone would come to me and give me advice of their own, but after going through such a dark time, I can safely say people may need my help instead, considering I have been over the edge and managed to get back up.
This is my advice; if you feel life is giving you constant shit and wont back off from it's relentless assault, and you truly feel the need to die, it may be hard to do but look around you. Think of looking your family in the eye and saying "I have attempted suicide tonight." It isn't pretty, it's frightening and will put you off telling them, but if you can challenge yourself to tell someone that life has driven you to that point, there can only be help around the corner. If you tell your family, the closest people that will ever be in your life no matter how you are treated by them, then you can admit you need help.
I did, I admitted I needed help, unfortunately I'm not getting help for another week or so but that first step I took, telling my mother, was the one step I will never forget because it was the hardest and most difficult one. Instead of running from the challenge, I rose to it and I am now on a grand road to recovery.
To sum up my advice a little shorter, if life is making you want to die and you physically try it, think. If you think long and hard enough, you will realize whatever you have attempted death over, probably would never be worth it no matter how much it seems right. So just think, and think so hard about what you are leaving, who will be hurt. You will regret it, and miss out on a great reward on the other side of the dark place.
I have finish writing this at 00:04am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x
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