I am writing this at 23:46pm.
I can safely say this month has started off well, and shows promise towards a new outlook on life. As some of my friends know, I had joined a dating site towards the very end of October. It was a random spur of the moment thing, and I was curious, and hey, I'll admit at first it was for a laugh to see if there was anyone on there that I knew.
I changed my mind not long after when I met a wonderful, and truly amazing guy named Blake; he made me feel like a goddess, making me smile and giggle and blush without having to be near me. I have spoken about him to a few people, and they all claim he is better than my ex, already planning things with me and the like, and I will admit, I feel strongly towards Blake already even though we haven't met yet, and I never felt this way with Nick and I was with him all the time in college.
I suppose curiosity on what Blake is really like increases the emotion, but at the same time even when I first met Nick my heart never raced like this, I never giggled so much just off reading a conversation, and I never blushed this often.
I can safely say thanks to Blake, I feel good; he makes me happy, from the moment we're both online till the moment one of us leaves, we are constantly talking, never run out of things to say, and we keep making one another smile like the sun beams down on only us.
My friend Imogen has been there for me a lot too, as has my friend Sammy who I class as my sister. They have given me positive outlooks on life, and life itself is picking up for me. I used to say to my friends that life would throw shit at you to see if you could handle it, natural selection, survival of the fittest, whatever you wish to call it. I told them that if you survived, life would reward you.
My hardest trial yet has been dealing with how to finally tell someone about what I've done, see myself getting stretched to that far edge and falling, and being able to openly discuss it and find a solution and bring myself back up to the top. Life challenged me with a fear everyone has... Death... And I proved to life I was strong enough to fight back and change my life for the better, to bring myself back from the brink and back into a saner world. I could think of many more things to say to this which would be along similar lines, but I am not here for that.
Life still gives me the few up and downs, but those are normal. Since Blake has entered my life, everything seems to be going up that hill, taking me to see an amazing and beautiful sight, and I can't wait to let my eyes behold the next reward from a challenge.
I suppose right now, I could give some advice. I have never thought of doing this because I thought someone would come to me and give me advice of their own, but after going through such a dark time, I can safely say people may need my help instead, considering I have been over the edge and managed to get back up.
This is my advice; if you feel life is giving you constant shit and wont back off from it's relentless assault, and you truly feel the need to die, it may be hard to do but look around you. Think of looking your family in the eye and saying "I have attempted suicide tonight." It isn't pretty, it's frightening and will put you off telling them, but if you can challenge yourself to tell someone that life has driven you to that point, there can only be help around the corner. If you tell your family, the closest people that will ever be in your life no matter how you are treated by them, then you can admit you need help.
I did, I admitted I needed help, unfortunately I'm not getting help for another week or so but that first step I took, telling my mother, was the one step I will never forget because it was the hardest and most difficult one. Instead of running from the challenge, I rose to it and I am now on a grand road to recovery.
To sum up my advice a little shorter, if life is making you want to die and you physically try it, think. If you think long and hard enough, you will realize whatever you have attempted death over, probably would never be worth it no matter how much it seems right. So just think, and think so hard about what you are leaving, who will be hurt. You will regret it, and miss out on a great reward on the other side of the dark place.
I have finish writing this at 00:04am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x
No comments:
Post a Comment