Death seemed the only Option

I am writing this at 02:11am.
 On Wednesday the 24th of this month, I attempted suicide. My ex was playing mind tricks on me and had told me that he had gotten his old girlfriend pregnant and they were keeping the baby. I was told this before the attempt.
 The night he told me I decided to walk out of my house to calm down, and it took five close friends of mine to help me achieve the goal. I was grateful for having them there. This was on Monday I think, the days seem to go by so fast I just can't remember.
 On Wednesday at around half one in the morning, my ex admitted to me that the story of his old girlfriend being pregnant was to, in his words, "piss you off", but unfortunately it took a different effect.
 That night I had been drinking with my mother, the alcohol was 4%, small amounts. Later that evening when I was on my own and my ex had told me this via MSN, I was alone and lost my mind. I had taken six sleeping tablets, and it took a friend from overseas to make me realize what I had done, and that if I fell asleep I could die.
 To explain why for those of you who don't know, a sleeping tablet is there to help you sleep. It slows down your breathing slightly and convinces your brain that this means you need sleep. Because I had taken six with alcohol in my system, the overall effect would have been that if I had of fallen asleep, because I am not conscious I wont remember to breathe, or possibly go into a coma and die.
 When I did it, it was a spur of the moment; the man I loved and still do love wanted to anger me with such news, but instead he left me feeling the lowest I could be. I will honestly say that is the first attempt on my life I have ever risked.
 When my friend overseas told me how bad my situation was and the consequences which could follow, I snapped out of my I-don't-care mood and panicked, which resulted in me telling my mother. She made me drink salt water to get it all out of my system. Obviously she was angry and hurt that I would think of doing such a thing over a man who I love, but I confided in her and she was glad I did because it showed her that I wasn't ready for death.
 We decided not to tell my father, and the main reason is because he is under a lot of stress and we had no idea what the news would do to him. Even now I cringe and shudder to think how he would have reacted.
 After that night people have hated my ex for what he has driven me to, and because of how broken he has left me only setting out to hurt me. I still love him though, and a lot of people call me stupid for it but no matter how hard I try, even after what he has done to me, I can't think of a way to even begin to think negatively about him or to try and hate him. At the end of the day, he showed me so much and treated me like a queen, these after effects mean nothing apart from that one lie invented to anger me, which resulted in the worst.
 Only my mother and two very close friends knew about this attempt on my life, but considering this blog is to help me get negative emotions out, I know a few more will know. But I have learnt, and it's a fearful thing even admitting on here what I did, but I have no counsellor, no psychiatrist, no help at all, and this was the only place I could think to write everything down.
 I know how stupid I was, and I know how much it would have hurt everyone around me, but in that moment I craved the end of my life, and now I can safely say it would never have been worth it.
 I suppose in these kind of situations, we all learn something. It just took me to be pushed that one step further to realize that my life doesn't end yet.
I have finished writing this at 02:26am.
 Thank you for reading,
 Kirstie.

I Want to Die.

Worried

I am writing this at 02:45am.
 Things between myself and the guy weren't as I expected, but then I found a girl. Just for the reference, I am bisexual.
 Tonight she posted a status which has scared me so much, she wont respond to me and I'm scared for her life. I haven't felt this much worry over somebody in a long while, and I fear what may happen to her.
 I suppose happiness never lasts forever.
 I have finished writing this at 02:46am.
 Kirstie.

Happiness is Bliss

I am writing this at 01:54am.
 I am happy, and I mean really happy! Tonight a beautiful guy in my life named Stefan asked me out. I said yes because we have had our moments in the past, and just from speaking to him for a short time again, it has rekindled my feelings for him.
 He moved to Australia, so unfortunately it is long distance for now, but soon it may not be. I am so happy it is beyond believable!
I have finished writing this at 01:56am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x

Breaking Down

I am writing this at 00:50am.
 Tonight I realised I still love my ex, and unfortunately tonight he's nearly broken my heart again if that was ever possible. Even as I'm writing this I'm crying, and I'm shaking and so lost.
 I told him how I've been feeling lately and unfortunately it's gotten him annoyed to the point where he nearly lost it with me, and it all started with him telling me he liked someone else. Right now I don't know what to do.
 This is the most lost I've felt in a very long while, and even speaking to a few friends hasn't helped and I'm getting into that frame of mind again where I would gladly die. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, and if he saw this he'd go absolutely mental at me.
 I'm not even sure if this will be the last post I ever do on here. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out what's wrong with me and my illness, but at this rate I'll be speaking to him about depression. It is something I don't want to face, but I may have no choice but to accept I may be moderately depressed, and I need help.
 I have finished writing this at 00:53am.
 If this is my last post, I bid you all a farewell now and wish you all the best. If this isn't, I will post an update tomorrow.
 Thank you for reading,
 Kirstie.

A Ray of Hope

I am writing this at 00:51am.
I have to say, this is the happiest I have been for a while. I recently found out I could be able to start my career in acting in a small film produced by some of my American friends! It is a joy to hear, and I have been excited since I was told about the opportunity. I am trying to not let myself get too excited just in case it doesn't go ahead for me, but I can't help it!
It is exciting news, and I can't believe my career could be starting as an actress. There are many positives and negatives in the situation, but if it does go ahead, I will have time to weigh out my choices and make the right decision.
The idea of me being in a small production is amazing, and it does fill me with hope. For one thing, it would be a great achievement, secondly it would be a great thing to put down on my CV, and thirdly what an experience it would be to indulge the life of an actress through my own experiences! It is an opportunity I wouldn't let just slip by, I would grasp it while I could.
I have finished writing this at 00:56am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x

Broken Down

I am writing this at 04:27am.
I know it is a stupid time of the night to be writing a post here, but tonight I did a psychological test to promote a film called Byzantium. It involves completing five tasks which are basically meant to show you more about yourself, and how subtle hints/commands can influence your head. I was in two minds whether to continue after step one because it lay my life before me.
I was afraid that my life had been written down before me, and the whole point of step one is to reveal your subconscious mind. Some of the things written down I already knew, the others were a shock to realise when I thought on the points.
 Because of this stupid promotion, I broke down and cried, and was close to ending the entire thing there, but curiosity got the better of me and I proceeded.
The reason step one brought me to tears is because, like all psychological tests, it is meant to reveal parts of you that you don't realise. I was told that I am cautious of friendships due to past behaviour from friends, and because of that I will always be nervous and basically tread carefully. Then it came to the killer point; in relationships, because I have been hurt before and I am cautious, I am too scared to really put myself out there and show my true feelings because I will forever think any relationship I get involved in will end up in tears and agony, and I can't go through it again.
I can't remember much else of what step one told me, but those are the things which stick out and it scared me to see my own thoughts and feelings, some which I never truly realised, written before me by a psychological test, where the true intention was to promote a film.
The odd thing is I only wanted to do it as a means of fun because I am struggling to sleep, and have been trying to sleep now for over an hour and a half, but nothing seems to be working. I found my friend had done it, so I decided to have a go myself just for the sheer hell of it, and after step one, I wish I didn't.
I can safely say I want to die again. I try so hard to hide my feelings from others, I didn't realise how much I hid them from myself. It took seeing that to make me realise, and I hate myself for denying myself the simple knowledge to know myself entirely.
I suppose I have gotten that used to hiding my feelings, that in the end I taught myself how to hide them from me, and because of this, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am not a person anymore, I am simply an empty shell waiting to be broken into pieces by the next thing to come at me and try to break me. I will let it, and I shall be my own downfall.
I am scared, this time of myself; Fear of yourself is the worst fear to know, and will forever be a fear everyone has, but some, unlike myself, just don't realise it until they find that point where it comes to facing yourself as a person, and when you see how scared of yourself you really get, things like phobia's and simple things like fears of the dark, become nothing in comparison.
I have finished writing this at 04:38am.
Goodnight.
Kirstie.

Scared Again

I am writing this at 23:07pm.
As usual, I open my mouth and things I want to say come across wrong to others in a different way than I intended, and now I fear I may lose such an amazing friend. He was my partner, turned into my friend, and now I fear I may lose him altogether and in honesty, I don't think I could handle it.
Already my mind is thinking the worse of the situation because even after me begging him and apologising to him, I haven't heard him say anything else. I am trying to stay occupied but my head just wont accept distractions, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost him as a friend.
I have another friend of mine trying to cheer me up, but it doesn't seem to be working. My mind is just thinking if I lost my old partner as a friend it would be more my loss than his, and I truly wouldn't be able to handle the change. My mind wouldn't know how to cope, my body wouldn't know how to cope, and in honesty my entire being wouldn't cope.
I am scared, again.
I have finished writing this at 23:13pm.
Kirstie.

General Update

I am writing this at 20:49pm.
Tonight I have been thinking about myself and where I want to go in life, and due to me being ill it has got me wondering if when I'm better, will I still be the same?
I have thought of nothing else for much of the day until it came to the evening where I distracted myself a lot, and I had a few conversations and some were worrying, some were normal. I've been helping others a lot and I have decided I should put myself aside for now.
At the back of my mind I still get that nagging feeling that says "death would do you good," and I don't like it anymore. My body may accept it but I, as a person, I am now unsure. Sometimes I think it would be a good idea still, other times I don't.
As for me being ill, our phone company cut us off today and reduced us to incoming calls, so unfortunately I haven't even been able to make myself an appointment with my doctor to get myself sorted illness wise.
I suppose I can't think of much else to say, I'm just trying to think of what I can and can't do right now.
I have finished writing this at 20:53pm.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x

Confused Little Mind

I am writing this at 23:29pm. Today I was sent home from college, not because of mental reasons but because I'm ill. I have to see the doctor this week and I intend to see them before I go back to college on Tuesday. During my time off my sister had come to pick me up from my college alone with my father and my sister's children. All I wanted to do was sleep, instead I heard constant shouting from her. As we ventured to Frodsham, I was left to run around after her eldest child, and this is why it was a problem; the reason I was sent home from college was due to becoming dizzy from walking, severe headaches, my temperature would rise and fall rapidly and my eyes couldn't focus on much. So, while my sister was walking around with my father, I was left to run around after my niece. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem but I became out of breath easily and I nearly collapsed twice, but for the safety of my niece, I stayed and ran with her due to the ignorance of her mother. When I got home after dropping my sister and her children at home, all I wanted to do was sleep. Instead, everytime I tried to sleep my body wouldn't let me and instead become more alert. After nearly two hours of this, I eventually fell asleep and for the entire time I was asleep I was calm, I felt perfectly healthy and my headaches had gone. The moment I woke up for my tea, everything came back and I will admit I wanted to cry. As my evening has progressed, it has gotten to the point where one of my headaches became so severe I was nearly crying. Luckily, this has now started to calm down as I'm writing this. Tonight I have been talking with my ex, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with him anymore. I have accepted now he doesn't want to be with me, but he has become very distant and doesn't talk to me, and upon telling him that to his other friends he does, he told me they normally only last fifteen minutes where he talks freely. I have become very confused by his behavior as this has only started while he's come off his medication, and I'm worried what he will turn into. When I was speaking to my friend about it today, she agreed with me that while he was on them and still with me, he was better, happier and seemed so be a lot brighter too. Due to being ill and mixed feelings, it's almost like my head can't cope with making decisions on what I want or need in this new found mutual relationship I have with my ex, and I myself am confused on what I want in general. I have finished writing this at 23:39pm. Thank you for reading, Kirstie x

Let The Tears Fall

I am writing this at 01:20am. I am back in that state of mind where I don't want to live anymore. I don't know what's caused it, I don't know where it's come from, but here I am again, just accepting death would be best. I am currently wanting to cry as I write this, and things are just getting too much... and the silly thing is nothing has happened for me to even say that, but it's because I'm still bottling up a lot of things and I just can't bare the thought of letting them go because to feel is to be alive; that is how I know I'm still here and it stops me being numb to feel pain. It's distressing me, and I do fear my own mind. Unfortunately, I missed my counselling session with my college because I was unwell and required the day off. If I didn't, I do wonder what I would be posting here in replace of this. I am finishing writing this at 01:22am. Thank you for reading, Goodnight, Kirstie x

Over Thinking

I am writing this at 22:17pm. This morning, I woke up very late and unfortunately didn't go to college, but it's helped me because I haven't been feeling well so I've helped myself by resting. I am writing now because I am over thinking an awful lot on what I want and what I don't want out of this existence, I don't know if I want to go anymore or stay. People have needed me, that's a fact, but for some of the people I have been helping it has made me question if death is the right thing for me. I have gotten back in touch with someone recently who meant a lot to me, and they have been helping me out, making me laugh and enjoying those little things in life. It has made me smile a lot and I am happy he has achieved this for me. There are plenty of things I can enjoy but sometimes the enjoyment doesn't last too long and I wish it did. I often wonder if it's my own head making me lose the happiness, or if it is me forcing myself back into the state I keep going in. I can't really think of much else to say, I suppose this is just a casual update. Thank you for reading, Kirstie x

Change Of Events

I am writing this at 19:36pm. I didn't post yesterday because I was staying with a friend, and I had an amazing time. I was so distracted from everything going on in my life, and for that night I was happy. Truly happy. Unfortunately I come back home and things started to get bad again, where a few arguments happened here and there, and some conversations made me think twice about myself and who I was. The best part is as I've gone on having different conversations with people, I have cheered up again to the point I am even smiling at conversations I am having... and it is good. For once, I don't feel down or upset. I have finished writing this at 19:38pm. Thank you for reading, Kirstie x

Temptation

I am writing this at 03:14am. I have been laying in bed trying to get to sleep but my thoughts wont leave me alone... I think they will eventually kill me or drive me to insanity. I gave this post the title it has because quite literally... My thoughts are tempting me over the edge as I lay here trying to sleep. I need help... but there is nobody here to help me. I have finished writing this at 03:16am. Kirstie.

Too Much

I am writing this at 02:01am. What is there to say? I think the title sums it up for me. Tonight I've had a prank call, and it turns out a lot of my friends have had the same. Some, like myself, have only had one, whereas the others have had more. It has gotten to the point where myself and my friends have decided if nobody owns up, we are going to the police. It is in my circle of friends that this has happened, and unfortunately someone came up with the idea it was my ex's fault. I wasn't pleased at all and I was ready for an argument. The thing is, I wasn't sure if it was really me who wanted it or my head attacking me with another mental assault. Either way, the issue really got to me. To make things worse, I have never mentioned this before, but I have a severe fear og the dark. I can't even stand being in the dark on my own in my room; I sleep with the television on every night without fail. The reason I mention this is because as I was going to head upstairs to bed, the moment the living room light went off I was struck with fear. I went up the stairs and halfway up I felt someone watching me. This could just be me having a funny moment, but it was enough to make me run to my room. Another reason I mention this is because I am now scared; I'm alone in my room, completely alone, and this is where my mind is at its cruelest. When I'm alone, I have no real distractions, I have nobody I can turn to physically but only through a screen, and now I am panicking. I hate being alone, it's a simple fact. Especially now when I can't sleep and my thoughts are against me. Even now typing this the one thing I keep thinking about is never waking up, or attacking myself with a blunt letter opener. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is knowing I love someone, and if you can love then you are alive. I have to say, I have a headache which is rather annoying though, completely off topic but I tend to do that to attempt a distraction, go off topic and see if it works. I have to admit, right now I feel numb. It's a tempting idea to see if I'm alive in some way, and love is the only thing stopping me from doing anything. I am ending this at 02:15am. Thank you for reading, Kirstie x

A Good Thing in the Descent

I am writing this at 00:14am.
I discovered tonight that one of my friends was having a hard time, and I have put my own issues aside to help her, and I believe I may have. I feel good, but the negative part of me is wondering how long it will last, but the slightly positive side of me is glowing because I have managed to come out of the torment manually by helping her be happy, and in turn it has made me slightly happier. Unfortunately I have gotten that horrible nervous feeling again, but it's a joy to see I have helped someone feel happier and not get into a state like myself.
I only realized I had done good when she told me after me explaining something to her that, "I never thought like that really..." and that was when I thought wow, I have just given someone a positive look on their situation rather than keeping them negative.
I have to say, this is the first happy post I have put on here, but it is one I will always name my favourite because tonight, I have done good and that in turn has made me just that little bit happier, and they wont even know they've helped me.
I suppose in a way, that's a good thing. With what they are going through, I would hardly want them to be troubled and concerned about me. They have a lot going on the same as me, only one thing makes it worse but it hasn't driven them to my level where they wish to die; I have made her happier in herself and made her think in a brighter way.
I am just that little bit happier.
I have finished writing this at 00:19am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x

A Distraction Unwanted

I am writing this at 22:58pm.
I have had a distraction that I didn't expect.. but it worked. It has put so much shock into me and I know it's probably nasty to say if you take it in a negative way, but it wasn't the kind of distraction I was looking for.
It isn't my place to say what has happened, but I am now so concerned about my ex that my brain has decided to let me have a break from the dark torment. It is safe to say that I am very distracted.. as much as I didn't need such a shock and to be full of concern, it has helped.
It's hard to put down into words how much I still care for him, but right now I believe it's a great deal. Well to say this is certainly a shock on it's own, but even my mother feeling sick earlier didn't do half this much on distracting me.
I think the easiest way to describe why this has distracted me more is to say it's because I'm not physically with him. Because I'm with my mum, I can keep an eye on how she is so there is no need to worry as much. As for him, I'm not with him, and as much as I know his family and friend are there, it's more like me trying to help more for the simple fact I can't really do much through a screen.
I can't really say much else I suppose because it's still the same old thing which is happening, so this is the only update I can afford to give right now. If I write later, it will be because something has changed.
I have finished writing this at 23:08pm.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x

The Realisation of Fear

I am starting this at 20:37pm, as this is where it's finally sunk in to my head.
I am starting to fear myself, and have been trying so hard to distract myself all night, but nothing has worked and I am stuck with my head terrorizing me, and I can't help but think of dark things, dreadful things and I can't get the image of death from my mind.
When trying to think of people to talk to, I can really only think of two people, one being a close friend of mine, the other being a lover I still hold dear to my heart. My close friend however is unreachable, and as for the lover, he seems different to me, and I fear he may not want to be here to help me anymore which, in time, has made my fear of myself worse thinking what I would do if I was alone.
The fear of myself started earlier tonight when I realized distractions weren't working, and that any hope I had left of being able to survive through my mental assault had vanished... and my mind instantly started thinking of ways to die.
It's hard to sum up everything of fearing myself into this one piece, as the words I want to use wont come to mind, and I can't seem to find an easy way to explain it to you, my dear readers, how frightful it truly is for me to fear myself and worry for my own safety FROM myself.
It just seems that now I think I'm alone, I can't seem to get a hold on my own sense of life, on how to live or of a realistic way to overcome everything.
You may be thinking, "well how are you alone with family and friends to help you?" Well, as I have mentioned before, I don't wish to torment them, and how do I go about truly explaining it to them?
I know some of my friends will be reading this and most likely thinking, "well you have just told us how you fear yourself," but I can't fully explain it and so just put down as best I could and even then I have left out so much.
Even while I'm writing this, I am so scared. I have been told that if anything were to happen it would have by now... but death is patient and so is my mind and it will hit me when I am at my weakest point... when I am physically alone.
I am currently shaking and getting that nervous feeling, and now I am starting to realize things, I think I know why; because when I am physically alone I know nobody can help me, because a screen and typing words is never truly good enough. I know I need to get help, but there is nothing that can be done for a few days.
I am finishing this at 20:46pm, and I hope that I can survive a little longer on my own.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x

The Mind is a Weapon

Hello dear readers, I'm here to update you on how I've been so far. I am currently writing this at 18:32pm.
Today I have had peace and quiet with my mother, watching one of our favourite shows and it occupied me. It made me see that glimmer of hope again and for just those moments I felt fine. When my father came home it was the same, I still felt happy, but then as we've all settled down and conversations have become thinner, I have found it hard to distract myself and my thoughts keep going back to the negative.
For example, I was texting my ex today. Through moments of silence between replies my mind thought the worst on what he was doing, and I don't want you to read this and think that everything I have been feeling has been caused by him. Plus, this is certainly not a space I plan to overcome negative emotions related to him, because oddly most of my emotions with him are so positive, that it is truly a shame those feelings don't last longer.
Meanwhile today, I did a very stupid thing. I have scab from a leftover break down and today I decided to peel away the scab to see how it would feel, to see if I wasn't as numb as my body felt. I will admit I regretted it not long after, but I became satisfied knowing that blood came through where the scab was, and the fact I felt pain made me realise I was still alive.
For some reason today I have had a weird feeling, and it was one I recieved last night out of the blue; I became nervous and I was shaking for no reason at all. I had a pain in my chest as my nervous feeling increased, but after around the twenty minute mark it seemed to fade a lot to almost nothing, but even now I still get that feeling.
It is strange knowing I am getting these strange feelings at random points in my day, and I do wonder if something in my subconscious is triggering it, or if it is just something I must get used to.
My thoughts have been going towards the negative again, and my thoughts drift to how I was last night where I think of death. It is a dreadful thing, but yet again my body seems to accept that death would be a good option.
I have finished writing this at 18:41pm, whether I post an update later or not is a different story altogether.
I hope you are all well my readers,
Kirstie x

Myself

I'm never entirely sure how a blog works or how to get views on a blog, but this is me; My name is Kirstie Styles, and I am eighteen years old and live in England. I am a part time carer for my mother and I am a student, and I suppose that just sums me up easily enough without dragging on.
I created this blog to try and help others who may be suffering like myself. I am currently writing this at 03:12am because I can't sleep. I have tried trust me, but I am suffering mentally.
The idea for this was to show my feelings, my thoughts, and see if people felt the same. I am trying to find help for how I'm suffering, and I am hoping people who may view this will understand or have some knowledge of what I'm going through, or at least not mock me for it.
I was diagnosed with depression at the age of thirteen, and since then have struggled. During the past week I have been thinking of suicide, and even began reading online for some help, and I have put myself down for college counselling. This past week has been hard for me, I get on average five hours sleep if I'm lucky a night, but I am constantly troubled by my own thoughts.
So far what I have experienced is thoughts of suicide creeping into my mind through the days, and I have self harmed.
If you have read up to this point and are just here to judge, then go ahead. I have been called everything before now and I don't plan for that to stop me doing this. If you are generally interested, I shall carry on.
I suppose you could say I'm not your average teenager. This may seem strange for me to say, but I see things. Nothing big, but just in the corner of my eyes. I often look to see if anything is there and 9/10 times there is nothing. The 1/10 is something I have just missed which is in plain view.
I am struggling to find a reason to continue my life, as there is so much going on that I can't control, I feel guilt for certain things, anger to others, and I could carry on there.
I feel my mind is controlling my own thoughts, as when I have thought of suicide my mind will say, "don't worry, it's ok. There may be people around you who will suffer but I'm just going to make you accept that and carry on thinking like this anyway," and it just seems my body really has accepted that suicide is an option which will do me a great favor.
There was one wonderful, beautiful, and truly amazing man in my life who I became engaged to, and yes I know being engaged at my age is pretty shocking to some, but he saved my life ten months ago. I had planned to overdose myself with any medication I could find in our medicine cupboard, and before he knew about it I had already mixed it and was ready to go.
He was everything I dreamed a man to be, and he gave me confidence in myself and helped me become happier in life and start to see the positives that life has to offer. Everything he said to me, wrote to me and helped me with, has stayed with me and in my heart. Back then ten months ago, he saved my life, but unfortunately he has left me, and now I am struggling on my own.
Many of you will think "well why not talk to your parents, your friends, or maybe you should have gone to counselling earlier," but most of my friends don't seem to care and the ones who do are too happy, and I don't want to drag them down. As for my family, they have seen scars on me and have questioned me, but I don't say anything. I feel that if I tell them, they will react as they did when my counsellor at thirteen told them I had been thinking of killing myself, and I can't bare to see them like that again, and so I choose to close myself in.
I am trying to get help now because I feel life is getting just a bit too much for me to handle, and I need to accept now I need the help. If I don't accept it, I will keep bottling things in and I will truly struggle when I keep too much in, and will do something I may regret.
I suppose the easiest way to explain why I do what I do, is that I have never had a good experience in telling people how I truly feel inside. I always bottle things up and have done from a young age, and I chose to accept that if I bottled everything in, I would eventually get over things. Now I've gotten older, I know it's not healthy for my mind or body, and because I keep bottling things in, my diet has gone out the window, I am struggling to sleep and the happy moments I may get in life just seem to fade so quickly, and if I don't occupy myself then I simply just come back to the state I'm in now.
I think I have done enough writing for tonight though, and it's now 03:29am when I now presume I have gotten enough down to give everyone a summary. I intend to come back often to update the world on how I do, and if anyone out there understands any of this, I beg of you to come forward.
Goodnight, sleep well and dream peacefully world.
Thank you for reading.