I am writing this at 03:25am.
I haven't used this since November, which shows you either that I've been ok, or I haven't had the time to come online. I think it is time I let everyone have a catch up...
My life has been up and down, the ups have been fantastic and the downs have been severe; the downs have included falling out with my best friend because of her boyfriend flirting with me behind her back, my sister calling the police on me over an argument we had in the road, and my fathers illness worrying me to the point of tears and fear.
I suppose I should talk about some of the happier things first because they seem to stick out among the doom and gloom; I have managed to get a job in my local pub, I'm starting to become closer to my old friends again and we're enjoying each others company a bit better, my mother is now getting out of the house once a week to go and see her mother, and my grandad is finally getting better.
These things have made the past month great, and obviously there are a few other great things mixed in there but I'm getting too tired to write everything down, but unfortunately it is time to get to the bad side; I am often seeing, feeling and hearing things again, some of it is part of my overactive imagination, the rest seems too real, my sister has been making life a trouble again for us all, my best friend has forgiven her flirtacious boyfriend for flirting with me behind her back but has shoved me aside and claims to everyone she is much happier without me, my father took a bad turn which had me scared for his life, my sister called the police on me over an argument which started over who was sitting where in the car, and my self esteem has gone down again where I am now feeling horrible about my own physical appearance and I have tried to stop eating meals apart from my tea again.
I know it seems like I whine a lot on here, but these are just the things which creep up on me unexpected and unawares. Luckily I haven't done anything drastic in a while, but instead I am finding other ways to cope with my negative emotions.
I'm feeling tired, but I hope to come on here again sometime soon and maybe keep everyone more up to date with my life...
I have finished writing this at 03:36am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
A Catch Up
I am writing this at 23:19pm.
I suppose because I haven't written in a while, I should do a brief catch up as to why this is.
Since I have met Blake things have been going up, I have my down days still but things are bright. I was told tonight that I have officially become a peer leader/volunteer now for a charity which has helped me so much in my life, and I have been happy since I was told.
The worst thing which has happened which shocked me to my core was my mother and father were having a conversation I wasn't meant to hear, and he told her how he'd had another mini heart attack, caused by stress from my sister. I wasn't pleased to hear this and spent the rest of the evening cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, because I couldn't face them not telling me again.
Unfortunately, a friend of mine has been going through a troublesome time from mourning over a lost friend, and it's brought to my attention how I still feel over the death of my grandmother. It has given me a down point but I luckily I have the girl I count as my sister to talk to and distract me, I just wish he had something too.
Sometimes I wonder where I am truly going with my life, but I suppose I know I will work it out one day. Life rolls on and you have to roll with it.
I have finished writing this at 23:24pm.
Thank you,
Kirstie
I suppose because I haven't written in a while, I should do a brief catch up as to why this is.
Since I have met Blake things have been going up, I have my down days still but things are bright. I was told tonight that I have officially become a peer leader/volunteer now for a charity which has helped me so much in my life, and I have been happy since I was told.
The worst thing which has happened which shocked me to my core was my mother and father were having a conversation I wasn't meant to hear, and he told her how he'd had another mini heart attack, caused by stress from my sister. I wasn't pleased to hear this and spent the rest of the evening cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, because I couldn't face them not telling me again.
Unfortunately, a friend of mine has been going through a troublesome time from mourning over a lost friend, and it's brought to my attention how I still feel over the death of my grandmother. It has given me a down point but I luckily I have the girl I count as my sister to talk to and distract me, I just wish he had something too.
Sometimes I wonder where I am truly going with my life, but I suppose I know I will work it out one day. Life rolls on and you have to roll with it.
I have finished writing this at 23:24pm.
Thank you,
Kirstie
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Conflicted Feelings
I am writing this at 23:20pm.
I suppose the easiest way to start this is to come out and say what is wrong with me... Tonight I overheard my mother and father talking in the living room when I was in the kitchen preparing things for cleaning the bathroom, and part of their conversation was going through a dilemma we had the previous evening with my sister.
She had thought her daughter had dropped one of her toys somewhere on the path on the walk home and asked my father to go out and look, and to cut THAT story short, it turns out it was found in the bin at her home and my father had had to go out twice and his hand had gone numb from the cold and poor circulation.
That unfortunately wasn't the only thing wrong with him; he has had a condition with his heart for a long while now which was brought on from a very small heart attack some months back which I had to probe my mother for information on, because they know I don't like it when information is hidden from me. My father now takes his medication when he needs it, as it helps to bring down his blood pressure and calm him. It turns out from the conversation I overheard, he had another of these "warning attacks" last night.
Even as I write this I'm not sure if I should cry or not, because I know they are doing this so I don't worry too much, but at the same time I want to, AND need to know that my own father is OK, because if he isn't then unfortunately I have to plan for in case the worst happens such as finding extra support for myself and my mother, finding some form of benefits so we can afford to live in this house and live in general, and a lot of other stuff such as if I will be able to continue my education, how will I afford transport to and from Runcorn to do major shopping runs, how will my mother cope and will we both need some form of counselling... it's not nice stuff I wish to think on, and right now I am scared I may lose my father.
He said to my mother tonight whilst I was in the kitchen that he thought it was because of how stressed he became around my sister, and the stress got too much; it makes me wonder what else they're hiding from me.
The reason this is entitled conflicted feelings is because I am also excited for going to Chester tomorrow to meet Blake, and start our wonderful day. We have a lot planned, and I will be shocked if we can fit it all in one day, but I am excited to meet the man I have new-found feelings for.
He treats me like a Goddess already, and with what we have planned, is already treating me to a lot which I will feel grateful for in some way, but also I will feel so cheeky that things are being paid for me, I suppose I'm just not used to it. It has been a long while since someone has done things like this for me, or should I say in this case will do.
So on top of being excited, I am also upset/worried/nervous, whatever you wish to call it really. It's taking me longer than I thought to get this all down, but I am talking to my friend about this situation now with my father, and I'm starting to cry a little now. I suppose it's what I need, but it hurts.
I have stopped writing this at 23:44pm.
Thanks for reading,
Kirstie
I suppose the easiest way to start this is to come out and say what is wrong with me... Tonight I overheard my mother and father talking in the living room when I was in the kitchen preparing things for cleaning the bathroom, and part of their conversation was going through a dilemma we had the previous evening with my sister.
She had thought her daughter had dropped one of her toys somewhere on the path on the walk home and asked my father to go out and look, and to cut THAT story short, it turns out it was found in the bin at her home and my father had had to go out twice and his hand had gone numb from the cold and poor circulation.
That unfortunately wasn't the only thing wrong with him; he has had a condition with his heart for a long while now which was brought on from a very small heart attack some months back which I had to probe my mother for information on, because they know I don't like it when information is hidden from me. My father now takes his medication when he needs it, as it helps to bring down his blood pressure and calm him. It turns out from the conversation I overheard, he had another of these "warning attacks" last night.
Even as I write this I'm not sure if I should cry or not, because I know they are doing this so I don't worry too much, but at the same time I want to, AND need to know that my own father is OK, because if he isn't then unfortunately I have to plan for in case the worst happens such as finding extra support for myself and my mother, finding some form of benefits so we can afford to live in this house and live in general, and a lot of other stuff such as if I will be able to continue my education, how will I afford transport to and from Runcorn to do major shopping runs, how will my mother cope and will we both need some form of counselling... it's not nice stuff I wish to think on, and right now I am scared I may lose my father.
He said to my mother tonight whilst I was in the kitchen that he thought it was because of how stressed he became around my sister, and the stress got too much; it makes me wonder what else they're hiding from me.
The reason this is entitled conflicted feelings is because I am also excited for going to Chester tomorrow to meet Blake, and start our wonderful day. We have a lot planned, and I will be shocked if we can fit it all in one day, but I am excited to meet the man I have new-found feelings for.
He treats me like a Goddess already, and with what we have planned, is already treating me to a lot which I will feel grateful for in some way, but also I will feel so cheeky that things are being paid for me, I suppose I'm just not used to it. It has been a long while since someone has done things like this for me, or should I say in this case will do.
So on top of being excited, I am also upset/worried/nervous, whatever you wish to call it really. It's taking me longer than I thought to get this all down, but I am talking to my friend about this situation now with my father, and I'm starting to cry a little now. I suppose it's what I need, but it hurts.
I have stopped writing this at 23:44pm.
Thanks for reading,
Kirstie
Friday, 2 November 2012
New Month, Fantastic Start
I am writing this at 23:46pm.
I can safely say this month has started off well, and shows promise towards a new outlook on life. As some of my friends know, I had joined a dating site towards the very end of October. It was a random spur of the moment thing, and I was curious, and hey, I'll admit at first it was for a laugh to see if there was anyone on there that I knew.
I changed my mind not long after when I met a wonderful, and truly amazing guy named Blake; he made me feel like a goddess, making me smile and giggle and blush without having to be near me. I have spoken about him to a few people, and they all claim he is better than my ex, already planning things with me and the like, and I will admit, I feel strongly towards Blake already even though we haven't met yet, and I never felt this way with Nick and I was with him all the time in college.
I suppose curiosity on what Blake is really like increases the emotion, but at the same time even when I first met Nick my heart never raced like this, I never giggled so much just off reading a conversation, and I never blushed this often.
I can safely say thanks to Blake, I feel good; he makes me happy, from the moment we're both online till the moment one of us leaves, we are constantly talking, never run out of things to say, and we keep making one another smile like the sun beams down on only us.
My friend Imogen has been there for me a lot too, as has my friend Sammy who I class as my sister. They have given me positive outlooks on life, and life itself is picking up for me. I used to say to my friends that life would throw shit at you to see if you could handle it, natural selection, survival of the fittest, whatever you wish to call it. I told them that if you survived, life would reward you.
My hardest trial yet has been dealing with how to finally tell someone about what I've done, see myself getting stretched to that far edge and falling, and being able to openly discuss it and find a solution and bring myself back up to the top. Life challenged me with a fear everyone has... Death... And I proved to life I was strong enough to fight back and change my life for the better, to bring myself back from the brink and back into a saner world. I could think of many more things to say to this which would be along similar lines, but I am not here for that.
Life still gives me the few up and downs, but those are normal. Since Blake has entered my life, everything seems to be going up that hill, taking me to see an amazing and beautiful sight, and I can't wait to let my eyes behold the next reward from a challenge.
I suppose right now, I could give some advice. I have never thought of doing this because I thought someone would come to me and give me advice of their own, but after going through such a dark time, I can safely say people may need my help instead, considering I have been over the edge and managed to get back up.
This is my advice; if you feel life is giving you constant shit and wont back off from it's relentless assault, and you truly feel the need to die, it may be hard to do but look around you. Think of looking your family in the eye and saying "I have attempted suicide tonight." It isn't pretty, it's frightening and will put you off telling them, but if you can challenge yourself to tell someone that life has driven you to that point, there can only be help around the corner. If you tell your family, the closest people that will ever be in your life no matter how you are treated by them, then you can admit you need help.
I did, I admitted I needed help, unfortunately I'm not getting help for another week or so but that first step I took, telling my mother, was the one step I will never forget because it was the hardest and most difficult one. Instead of running from the challenge, I rose to it and I am now on a grand road to recovery.
To sum up my advice a little shorter, if life is making you want to die and you physically try it, think. If you think long and hard enough, you will realize whatever you have attempted death over, probably would never be worth it no matter how much it seems right. So just think, and think so hard about what you are leaving, who will be hurt. You will regret it, and miss out on a great reward on the other side of the dark place.
I have finish writing this at 00:04am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x
I can safely say this month has started off well, and shows promise towards a new outlook on life. As some of my friends know, I had joined a dating site towards the very end of October. It was a random spur of the moment thing, and I was curious, and hey, I'll admit at first it was for a laugh to see if there was anyone on there that I knew.
I changed my mind not long after when I met a wonderful, and truly amazing guy named Blake; he made me feel like a goddess, making me smile and giggle and blush without having to be near me. I have spoken about him to a few people, and they all claim he is better than my ex, already planning things with me and the like, and I will admit, I feel strongly towards Blake already even though we haven't met yet, and I never felt this way with Nick and I was with him all the time in college.
I suppose curiosity on what Blake is really like increases the emotion, but at the same time even when I first met Nick my heart never raced like this, I never giggled so much just off reading a conversation, and I never blushed this often.
I can safely say thanks to Blake, I feel good; he makes me happy, from the moment we're both online till the moment one of us leaves, we are constantly talking, never run out of things to say, and we keep making one another smile like the sun beams down on only us.
My friend Imogen has been there for me a lot too, as has my friend Sammy who I class as my sister. They have given me positive outlooks on life, and life itself is picking up for me. I used to say to my friends that life would throw shit at you to see if you could handle it, natural selection, survival of the fittest, whatever you wish to call it. I told them that if you survived, life would reward you.
My hardest trial yet has been dealing with how to finally tell someone about what I've done, see myself getting stretched to that far edge and falling, and being able to openly discuss it and find a solution and bring myself back up to the top. Life challenged me with a fear everyone has... Death... And I proved to life I was strong enough to fight back and change my life for the better, to bring myself back from the brink and back into a saner world. I could think of many more things to say to this which would be along similar lines, but I am not here for that.
Life still gives me the few up and downs, but those are normal. Since Blake has entered my life, everything seems to be going up that hill, taking me to see an amazing and beautiful sight, and I can't wait to let my eyes behold the next reward from a challenge.
I suppose right now, I could give some advice. I have never thought of doing this because I thought someone would come to me and give me advice of their own, but after going through such a dark time, I can safely say people may need my help instead, considering I have been over the edge and managed to get back up.
This is my advice; if you feel life is giving you constant shit and wont back off from it's relentless assault, and you truly feel the need to die, it may be hard to do but look around you. Think of looking your family in the eye and saying "I have attempted suicide tonight." It isn't pretty, it's frightening and will put you off telling them, but if you can challenge yourself to tell someone that life has driven you to that point, there can only be help around the corner. If you tell your family, the closest people that will ever be in your life no matter how you are treated by them, then you can admit you need help.
I did, I admitted I needed help, unfortunately I'm not getting help for another week or so but that first step I took, telling my mother, was the one step I will never forget because it was the hardest and most difficult one. Instead of running from the challenge, I rose to it and I am now on a grand road to recovery.
To sum up my advice a little shorter, if life is making you want to die and you physically try it, think. If you think long and hard enough, you will realize whatever you have attempted death over, probably would never be worth it no matter how much it seems right. So just think, and think so hard about what you are leaving, who will be hurt. You will regret it, and miss out on a great reward on the other side of the dark place.
I have finish writing this at 00:04am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Death seemed the only Option
I am writing this at 02:11am.
On Wednesday the 24th of this month, I attempted suicide. My ex was playing mind tricks on me and had told me that he had gotten his old girlfriend pregnant and they were keeping the baby. I was told this before the attempt.
The night he told me I decided to walk out of my house to calm down, and it took five close friends of mine to help me achieve the goal. I was grateful for having them there. This was on Monday I think, the days seem to go by so fast I just can't remember.
On Wednesday at around half one in the morning, my ex admitted to me that the story of his old girlfriend being pregnant was to, in his words, "piss you off", but unfortunately it took a different effect.
That night I had been drinking with my mother, the alcohol was 4%, small amounts. Later that evening when I was on my own and my ex had told me this via MSN, I was alone and lost my mind. I had taken six sleeping tablets, and it took a friend from overseas to make me realize what I had done, and that if I fell asleep I could die.
To explain why for those of you who don't know, a sleeping tablet is there to help you sleep. It slows down your breathing slightly and convinces your brain that this means you need sleep. Because I had taken six with alcohol in my system, the overall effect would have been that if I had of fallen asleep, because I am not conscious I wont remember to breathe, or possibly go into a coma and die.
When I did it, it was a spur of the moment; the man I loved and still do love wanted to anger me with such news, but instead he left me feeling the lowest I could be. I will honestly say that is the first attempt on my life I have ever risked.
When my friend overseas told me how bad my situation was and the consequences which could follow, I snapped out of my I-don't-care mood and panicked, which resulted in me telling my mother. She made me drink salt water to get it all out of my system. Obviously she was angry and hurt that I would think of doing such a thing over a man who I love, but I confided in her and she was glad I did because it showed her that I wasn't ready for death.
We decided not to tell my father, and the main reason is because he is under a lot of stress and we had no idea what the news would do to him. Even now I cringe and shudder to think how he would have reacted.
After that night people have hated my ex for what he has driven me to, and because of how broken he has left me only setting out to hurt me. I still love him though, and a lot of people call me stupid for it but no matter how hard I try, even after what he has done to me, I can't think of a way to even begin to think negatively about him or to try and hate him. At the end of the day, he showed me so much and treated me like a queen, these after effects mean nothing apart from that one lie invented to anger me, which resulted in the worst.
Only my mother and two very close friends knew about this attempt on my life, but considering this blog is to help me get negative emotions out, I know a few more will know. But I have learnt, and it's a fearful thing even admitting on here what I did, but I have no counsellor, no psychiatrist, no help at all, and this was the only place I could think to write everything down.
I know how stupid I was, and I know how much it would have hurt everyone around me, but in that moment I craved the end of my life, and now I can safely say it would never have been worth it.
I suppose in these kind of situations, we all learn something. It just took me to be pushed that one step further to realize that my life doesn't end yet.
I have finished writing this at 02:26am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie.
On Wednesday the 24th of this month, I attempted suicide. My ex was playing mind tricks on me and had told me that he had gotten his old girlfriend pregnant and they were keeping the baby. I was told this before the attempt.
The night he told me I decided to walk out of my house to calm down, and it took five close friends of mine to help me achieve the goal. I was grateful for having them there. This was on Monday I think, the days seem to go by so fast I just can't remember.
On Wednesday at around half one in the morning, my ex admitted to me that the story of his old girlfriend being pregnant was to, in his words, "piss you off", but unfortunately it took a different effect.
That night I had been drinking with my mother, the alcohol was 4%, small amounts. Later that evening when I was on my own and my ex had told me this via MSN, I was alone and lost my mind. I had taken six sleeping tablets, and it took a friend from overseas to make me realize what I had done, and that if I fell asleep I could die.
To explain why for those of you who don't know, a sleeping tablet is there to help you sleep. It slows down your breathing slightly and convinces your brain that this means you need sleep. Because I had taken six with alcohol in my system, the overall effect would have been that if I had of fallen asleep, because I am not conscious I wont remember to breathe, or possibly go into a coma and die.
When I did it, it was a spur of the moment; the man I loved and still do love wanted to anger me with such news, but instead he left me feeling the lowest I could be. I will honestly say that is the first attempt on my life I have ever risked.
When my friend overseas told me how bad my situation was and the consequences which could follow, I snapped out of my I-don't-care mood and panicked, which resulted in me telling my mother. She made me drink salt water to get it all out of my system. Obviously she was angry and hurt that I would think of doing such a thing over a man who I love, but I confided in her and she was glad I did because it showed her that I wasn't ready for death.
We decided not to tell my father, and the main reason is because he is under a lot of stress and we had no idea what the news would do to him. Even now I cringe and shudder to think how he would have reacted.
After that night people have hated my ex for what he has driven me to, and because of how broken he has left me only setting out to hurt me. I still love him though, and a lot of people call me stupid for it but no matter how hard I try, even after what he has done to me, I can't think of a way to even begin to think negatively about him or to try and hate him. At the end of the day, he showed me so much and treated me like a queen, these after effects mean nothing apart from that one lie invented to anger me, which resulted in the worst.
Only my mother and two very close friends knew about this attempt on my life, but considering this blog is to help me get negative emotions out, I know a few more will know. But I have learnt, and it's a fearful thing even admitting on here what I did, but I have no counsellor, no psychiatrist, no help at all, and this was the only place I could think to write everything down.
I know how stupid I was, and I know how much it would have hurt everyone around me, but in that moment I craved the end of my life, and now I can safely say it would never have been worth it.
I suppose in these kind of situations, we all learn something. It just took me to be pushed that one step further to realize that my life doesn't end yet.
I have finished writing this at 02:26am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie.
Monday, 22 October 2012
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Worried
I am writing this at 02:45am.
Things between myself and the guy weren't as I expected, but then I found a girl. Just for the reference, I am bisexual.
Tonight she posted a status which has scared me so much, she wont respond to me and I'm scared for her life. I haven't felt this much worry over somebody in a long while, and I fear what may happen to her.
I suppose happiness never lasts forever.
I have finished writing this at 02:46am.
Kirstie.
Things between myself and the guy weren't as I expected, but then I found a girl. Just for the reference, I am bisexual.
Tonight she posted a status which has scared me so much, she wont respond to me and I'm scared for her life. I haven't felt this much worry over somebody in a long while, and I fear what may happen to her.
I suppose happiness never lasts forever.
I have finished writing this at 02:46am.
Kirstie.
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