I am writing this at 02:11am.
On Wednesday the 24th of this month, I attempted suicide. My ex was playing mind tricks on me and had told me that he had gotten his old girlfriend pregnant and they were keeping the baby. I was told this before the attempt.
The night he told me I decided to walk out of my house to calm down, and it took five close friends of mine to help me achieve the goal. I was grateful for having them there. This was on Monday I think, the days seem to go by so fast I just can't remember.
On Wednesday at around half one in the morning, my ex admitted to me that the story of his old girlfriend being pregnant was to, in his words, "piss you off", but unfortunately it took a different effect.
That night I had been drinking with my mother, the alcohol was 4%, small amounts. Later that evening when I was on my own and my ex had told me this via MSN, I was alone and lost my mind. I had taken six sleeping tablets, and it took a friend from overseas to make me realize what I had done, and that if I fell asleep I could die.
To explain why for those of you who don't know, a sleeping tablet is there to help you sleep. It slows down your breathing slightly and convinces your brain that this means you need sleep. Because I had taken six with alcohol in my system, the overall effect would have been that if I had of fallen asleep, because I am not conscious I wont remember to breathe, or possibly go into a coma and die.
When I did it, it was a spur of the moment; the man I loved and still do love wanted to anger me with such news, but instead he left me feeling the lowest I could be. I will honestly say that is the first attempt on my life I have ever risked.
When my friend overseas told me how bad my situation was and the consequences which could follow, I snapped out of my I-don't-care mood and panicked, which resulted in me telling my mother. She made me drink salt water to get it all out of my system. Obviously she was angry and hurt that I would think of doing such a thing over a man who I love, but I confided in her and she was glad I did because it showed her that I wasn't ready for death.
We decided not to tell my father, and the main reason is because he is under a lot of stress and we had no idea what the news would do to him. Even now I cringe and shudder to think how he would have reacted.
After that night people have hated my ex for what he has driven me to, and because of how broken he has left me only setting out to hurt me. I still love him though, and a lot of people call me stupid for it but no matter how hard I try, even after what he has done to me, I can't think of a way to even begin to think negatively about him or to try and hate him. At the end of the day, he showed me so much and treated me like a queen, these after effects mean nothing apart from that one lie invented to anger me, which resulted in the worst.
Only my mother and two very close friends knew about this attempt on my life, but considering this blog is to help me get negative emotions out, I know a few more will know. But I have learnt, and it's a fearful thing even admitting on here what I did, but I have no counsellor, no psychiatrist, no help at all, and this was the only place I could think to write everything down.
I know how stupid I was, and I know how much it would have hurt everyone around me, but in that moment I craved the end of my life, and now I can safely say it would never have been worth it.
I suppose in these kind of situations, we all learn something. It just took me to be pushed that one step further to realize that my life doesn't end yet.
I have finished writing this at 02:26am.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie.
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