The Mind is a Weapon

Hello dear readers, I'm here to update you on how I've been so far. I am currently writing this at 18:32pm.
Today I have had peace and quiet with my mother, watching one of our favourite shows and it occupied me. It made me see that glimmer of hope again and for just those moments I felt fine. When my father came home it was the same, I still felt happy, but then as we've all settled down and conversations have become thinner, I have found it hard to distract myself and my thoughts keep going back to the negative.
For example, I was texting my ex today. Through moments of silence between replies my mind thought the worst on what he was doing, and I don't want you to read this and think that everything I have been feeling has been caused by him. Plus, this is certainly not a space I plan to overcome negative emotions related to him, because oddly most of my emotions with him are so positive, that it is truly a shame those feelings don't last longer.
Meanwhile today, I did a very stupid thing. I have scab from a leftover break down and today I decided to peel away the scab to see how it would feel, to see if I wasn't as numb as my body felt. I will admit I regretted it not long after, but I became satisfied knowing that blood came through where the scab was, and the fact I felt pain made me realise I was still alive.
For some reason today I have had a weird feeling, and it was one I recieved last night out of the blue; I became nervous and I was shaking for no reason at all. I had a pain in my chest as my nervous feeling increased, but after around the twenty minute mark it seemed to fade a lot to almost nothing, but even now I still get that feeling.
It is strange knowing I am getting these strange feelings at random points in my day, and I do wonder if something in my subconscious is triggering it, or if it is just something I must get used to.
My thoughts have been going towards the negative again, and my thoughts drift to how I was last night where I think of death. It is a dreadful thing, but yet again my body seems to accept that death would be a good option.
I have finished writing this at 18:41pm, whether I post an update later or not is a different story altogether.
I hope you are all well my readers,
Kirstie x