The Realisation of Fear

I am starting this at 20:37pm, as this is where it's finally sunk in to my head.
I am starting to fear myself, and have been trying so hard to distract myself all night, but nothing has worked and I am stuck with my head terrorizing me, and I can't help but think of dark things, dreadful things and I can't get the image of death from my mind.
When trying to think of people to talk to, I can really only think of two people, one being a close friend of mine, the other being a lover I still hold dear to my heart. My close friend however is unreachable, and as for the lover, he seems different to me, and I fear he may not want to be here to help me anymore which, in time, has made my fear of myself worse thinking what I would do if I was alone.
The fear of myself started earlier tonight when I realized distractions weren't working, and that any hope I had left of being able to survive through my mental assault had vanished... and my mind instantly started thinking of ways to die.
It's hard to sum up everything of fearing myself into this one piece, as the words I want to use wont come to mind, and I can't seem to find an easy way to explain it to you, my dear readers, how frightful it truly is for me to fear myself and worry for my own safety FROM myself.
It just seems that now I think I'm alone, I can't seem to get a hold on my own sense of life, on how to live or of a realistic way to overcome everything.
You may be thinking, "well how are you alone with family and friends to help you?" Well, as I have mentioned before, I don't wish to torment them, and how do I go about truly explaining it to them?
I know some of my friends will be reading this and most likely thinking, "well you have just told us how you fear yourself," but I can't fully explain it and so just put down as best I could and even then I have left out so much.
Even while I'm writing this, I am so scared. I have been told that if anything were to happen it would have by now... but death is patient and so is my mind and it will hit me when I am at my weakest point... when I am physically alone.
I am currently shaking and getting that nervous feeling, and now I am starting to realize things, I think I know why; because when I am physically alone I know nobody can help me, because a screen and typing words is never truly good enough. I know I need to get help, but there is nothing that can be done for a few days.
I am finishing this at 20:46pm, and I hope that I can survive a little longer on my own.
Thank you for reading,
Kirstie x