Myself

I'm never entirely sure how a blog works or how to get views on a blog, but this is me; My name is Kirstie Styles, and I am eighteen years old and live in England. I am a part time carer for my mother and I am a student, and I suppose that just sums me up easily enough without dragging on.
I created this blog to try and help others who may be suffering like myself. I am currently writing this at 03:12am because I can't sleep. I have tried trust me, but I am suffering mentally.
The idea for this was to show my feelings, my thoughts, and see if people felt the same. I am trying to find help for how I'm suffering, and I am hoping people who may view this will understand or have some knowledge of what I'm going through, or at least not mock me for it.
I was diagnosed with depression at the age of thirteen, and since then have struggled. During the past week I have been thinking of suicide, and even began reading online for some help, and I have put myself down for college counselling. This past week has been hard for me, I get on average five hours sleep if I'm lucky a night, but I am constantly troubled by my own thoughts.
So far what I have experienced is thoughts of suicide creeping into my mind through the days, and I have self harmed.
If you have read up to this point and are just here to judge, then go ahead. I have been called everything before now and I don't plan for that to stop me doing this. If you are generally interested, I shall carry on.
I suppose you could say I'm not your average teenager. This may seem strange for me to say, but I see things. Nothing big, but just in the corner of my eyes. I often look to see if anything is there and 9/10 times there is nothing. The 1/10 is something I have just missed which is in plain view.
I am struggling to find a reason to continue my life, as there is so much going on that I can't control, I feel guilt for certain things, anger to others, and I could carry on there.
I feel my mind is controlling my own thoughts, as when I have thought of suicide my mind will say, "don't worry, it's ok. There may be people around you who will suffer but I'm just going to make you accept that and carry on thinking like this anyway," and it just seems my body really has accepted that suicide is an option which will do me a great favor.
There was one wonderful, beautiful, and truly amazing man in my life who I became engaged to, and yes I know being engaged at my age is pretty shocking to some, but he saved my life ten months ago. I had planned to overdose myself with any medication I could find in our medicine cupboard, and before he knew about it I had already mixed it and was ready to go.
He was everything I dreamed a man to be, and he gave me confidence in myself and helped me become happier in life and start to see the positives that life has to offer. Everything he said to me, wrote to me and helped me with, has stayed with me and in my heart. Back then ten months ago, he saved my life, but unfortunately he has left me, and now I am struggling on my own.
Many of you will think "well why not talk to your parents, your friends, or maybe you should have gone to counselling earlier," but most of my friends don't seem to care and the ones who do are too happy, and I don't want to drag them down. As for my family, they have seen scars on me and have questioned me, but I don't say anything. I feel that if I tell them, they will react as they did when my counsellor at thirteen told them I had been thinking of killing myself, and I can't bare to see them like that again, and so I choose to close myself in.
I am trying to get help now because I feel life is getting just a bit too much for me to handle, and I need to accept now I need the help. If I don't accept it, I will keep bottling things in and I will truly struggle when I keep too much in, and will do something I may regret.
I suppose the easiest way to explain why I do what I do, is that I have never had a good experience in telling people how I truly feel inside. I always bottle things up and have done from a young age, and I chose to accept that if I bottled everything in, I would eventually get over things. Now I've gotten older, I know it's not healthy for my mind or body, and because I keep bottling things in, my diet has gone out the window, I am struggling to sleep and the happy moments I may get in life just seem to fade so quickly, and if I don't occupy myself then I simply just come back to the state I'm in now.
I think I have done enough writing for tonight though, and it's now 03:29am when I now presume I have gotten enough down to give everyone a summary. I intend to come back often to update the world on how I do, and if anyone out there understands any of this, I beg of you to come forward.
Goodnight, sleep well and dream peacefully world.
Thank you for reading.