Too Much

I am writing this at 02:01am. What is there to say? I think the title sums it up for me. Tonight I've had a prank call, and it turns out a lot of my friends have had the same. Some, like myself, have only had one, whereas the others have had more. It has gotten to the point where myself and my friends have decided if nobody owns up, we are going to the police. It is in my circle of friends that this has happened, and unfortunately someone came up with the idea it was my ex's fault. I wasn't pleased at all and I was ready for an argument. The thing is, I wasn't sure if it was really me who wanted it or my head attacking me with another mental assault. Either way, the issue really got to me. To make things worse, I have never mentioned this before, but I have a severe fear og the dark. I can't even stand being in the dark on my own in my room; I sleep with the television on every night without fail. The reason I mention this is because as I was going to head upstairs to bed, the moment the living room light went off I was struck with fear. I went up the stairs and halfway up I felt someone watching me. This could just be me having a funny moment, but it was enough to make me run to my room. Another reason I mention this is because I am now scared; I'm alone in my room, completely alone, and this is where my mind is at its cruelest. When I'm alone, I have no real distractions, I have nobody I can turn to physically but only through a screen, and now I am panicking. I hate being alone, it's a simple fact. Especially now when I can't sleep and my thoughts are against me. Even now typing this the one thing I keep thinking about is never waking up, or attacking myself with a blunt letter opener. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is knowing I love someone, and if you can love then you are alive. I have to say, I have a headache which is rather annoying though, completely off topic but I tend to do that to attempt a distraction, go off topic and see if it works. I have to admit, right now I feel numb. It's a tempting idea to see if I'm alive in some way, and love is the only thing stopping me from doing anything. I am ending this at 02:15am. Thank you for reading, Kirstie x